Invitation Wording for when Guests Pay for their Meal

invitation wording for no host retirement, party, anniversary, birthday and other events, evites, email invitations

Invitation Wording for when Guests Pay for their Meal

How do you word an invitation to an event where guests pay for their dinner? I received this question from a Sendo reader…

Amanda Asks…

“I am planning a small (20 or less) retirement
party for my mom at a restaurant but guests
will be responsible for paying for their own
dinner – how do I indicate this on an invitation?”

Does anyone have any suggestions? Comment to this post to help her out! It would be great to hear what you guys would expect to see on an invitation and how you would respond to some of the other suggestions mentioned

When Invited Guests Pay for their Meal

The proper term for this is No Host. Some social circles would immediately recognize and understand this term, whereas others would be confused. And if it’s a retirement party, some invitees may not be so quick to jump on Google to figure it out.

Considering the informality of the event, keep invitations to something simple. You don’t want to spend $100 on invites that tell people they need to buy their own dinner. Sendo invites are perfect for this scenario (and many others!). In this example, I’ve used the Sendo Confetti invitation design template.

Invitation wording for when guests pay for their meal, no host retirement, party, anniversary, birthday and other events, evites, email invitations

The bottom of this invite states, “No Host – Visit www.(restaurant-name).com for menu and pricing.

I’ve made it clear that guests will need to pay for their own food and beverages without looking tacky or getting too deep into details.

Be sure to check out the full line of Sendo Online Party Invitations!

Comments

  • August 4, 2008

    Lisa

    I believe that the appropriate phrasing is “No-Host:

    reply
    • August 29, 2019

      L.D

      Not everyone may understand that. I’ve been inviting to such functions. When there is something like” Dinner start at &15.00 and up, you know you are expected to pay for your own meal. It’s best to let people know they will be paying for their meal so they will bring enough money to take care of it, could be awkward.

      reply
      • July 29, 2020

        Karin Jay

        Asking your guests to pay for their meal is the height of rudeness and bad manners. I realise this is happening today. It just reflects the ‘class and refinement of the host.

        reply
        • November 5, 2020

          Darin W

          So people who are on a tight budget shouldn’t suggest a social gathering at a restaurant? When others have suggested we meet for dinner or lunch, I’ve always presumed I am paying for my own, unless they offer explicitly. And I wouldn’t think they were rude if they didn’t. Perhaps you are part of that increasingly large group that believes someone wanting your company needs to also pay for it. A sign of arrogance, in my opinion. Maybe if you found yourself sitting at home more with nobody calling, you’d be more humble.

          reply
          • May 12, 2021

            Dawn

            Love this response!

          • November 8, 2021

            Kimberly

            I LOVE your response and agree wholeheartedly! I always expect to pay my own way…. Anything other than that is a delightful bonus!😊

          • May 23, 2022

            Kelly

            PERFECT response!! Thank You!!

          • August 5, 2022

            Dyn

            Yes Darin!!!!

          • September 22, 2022

            Gillian

            Well said

          • November 11, 2022

            Diana

            Omg 100% agree!!! Like you can’t just tell your friends hey I’m. Celebrating my bday with dinner at this restaurant! If you’d like to join!

          • December 6, 2022

            Jamila Richardson

            Love your response !!

          • January 22, 2023

            PField

            Could not agree more Darin. I am helping plan a small lunch with our intimate family with my grandmother for her birthday and as she is old she lives on a pension and obviously can not afford to pay for everyone and nor does anyone else except for her to pay. To add to this, my grandmother is the epitome of etiquette and has in the past years made a business from her own guesthouses and many events ( she has even to boast, hosted a president ). I have learned all my mannerisms from her, from setting a table, to hosting and conveying correct language. She is by far of a genteel and civil nature and I could not convey the words “rude’ or “bad” for her persona. She was raised with formality and “is in her blood”. Money does not equate to mannerisms or in her own words “you can not buy class”.

          • March 10, 2023

            Abby

            Love this response

          • May 29, 2023

            Dawn

            It is arrogance when they are a middle age adult hosting a birthday party for themselves and want you to bring them a gift (and you are paying for your own meal).

          • July 1, 2023

            Mzteeee

            Very well put! Thank you for your response!

        • January 5, 2021

          Marz

          Perhaps class and refinement will keep you from being lonely if you don’t like the host enough to join in. Maybe being kind is more important?

          reply
        • February 21, 2021

          Alice Encinas

          But when having family reunion at a restaurant , it’s common and not rude to say no host dinner

          reply
        • February 28, 2021

          Danielle

          Or maybe its about celebrating the event with people that you love rather than going bankrupt just because of one day

          reply
          • May 18, 2021

            Mary-anne

            That’s exactly the point. It costs money and effort to attend any event. Be it a birthday party, wedding or funeral you required to either bring and share food, cover your own drinks, bring a gift or buy a new outfit for the occasion. If you can not afford to cover your own food and drinks you have the option to not attend the event. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you otherwise

          • January 30, 2022

            Tierra

            I love this …. And lot of times people RSVP and just don’t show up and then your out of money !!! It’s very upsetting

        • May 13, 2021

          James Vanderwall

          I think your idea of class and refinement is solely based on showing people how much you can spend. That is sad that you are plagued with that complex, it has nothing to do with class. By the way, I think you might have misspelled your name, KAREN.

          reply
          • December 7, 2021

            Karen

            Hi, I’m Karen also, lol. These days I go by Felicia Karen Alexa!
            I’m currently planning my daughter’s high school graduation party. The snag here is that in order to have access to the park, you have to buy the annual pass each year with your license. Otherwise, your charged a fee of $10. I have informed her that the rental of the park space, she will be paying the $200 for it. I’m not sure about the people who don’t have the pass and have to pay the $10. Maybe, “please be aware” or something like that. It’ll be well worth it. The park has a million things for kids her age to do. Suggestions?

        • May 20, 2021

          Raven

          🤣🤣 yea because being expected to pay for others lofty choices is sooooo dignified.

          reply
        • June 8, 2021

          Wendy

          Dearest Karin, not everyone has the money to cover the expenses of friends and family, but want to celebrate with them just the same!

          Alas, class and refinement don’t require wealth, neither does having wealth guarantee class and refinement.

          reply
          • July 4, 2021

            Laura

            I AGREE !!!!!!!!

          • March 6, 2023

            Grace

            BRAVO!!!!

        • June 18, 2021

          Karen

          Not at all I’m 60 this year and would love all my close freinds and family which is about 35 people. I have asked how they feel about paying for their own meal and they are all happy too
          Don’t think many can afford to pay for that amount

          reply
          • August 8, 2021

            Mrs Karen Ennew

            Hi I’m 60 this year to and would love nothing more than to have a sit down meal with my favourite people which is 25 guests they have all said they are happy to buy their own meal. I will but them all a drink on arrival and put wine on the table. But reading some of these remarks has made me think maybe I shouldn’t do it they have made me feel awful
            Karen (mv name too )

        • June 19, 2021

          Susan Fritz

          We retired & belong to a club a friend does not, tho she’s indicated she’d like to go. I am happy to take friends, as we’re permitted to take guests, but I can’t pay for everyone.

          reply
        • August 27, 2021

          Hilary

          I feel that if someone is going to host a party, the food should be provided on par with what the hosts can afford. We had a very small wedding and could not afford dinner for everyone, so we had appetizers, cake, and punch at the church in mid afternoon. It did not interfere with meal time. But *we* provided that as the hosts.

          I do know of a family that does not have a lot of money, but they also do not invite people to their parties with an indication that these will be potlucks. They invite and then tell people what they will bring.

          It’s all about the attitude. Is it a “we hope you can come celebrate with us” or “we are doing this and you will comply” approach?

          reply
        • September 9, 2021

          Jan

          I was invited to a friend’s 70th birthday and while sweets were available at table we were asked in lieu of a gift to please purchase our own meal. No one was upset and some of us bought along a small gift as well. .

          reply
        • September 12, 2021

          Brenda Anliker

          Karin Jay
          How ideal that your name is Karin (spelled wrong, but it still counts).
          There is absolutely nothing rude about asking friends and family to attend a “no host” gathering. Nothing. People need to be around loved ones during special occasions. No host allows that to happen for everyone. Guests can order according to their own budget. Perfect, especially for casual events

          reply
          • March 22, 2022

            adele

            i agree. my parents 50th wedding anniversary is coming up. neither my sister or I have a ton of money. We renting a private dining room in a beautiful restaurant. my mom is all about elegant and polish and the little details. In order to do the details and what she considers classy decor we cant buy everyone’s meal. our thought is to make it beautiful like she likes, pay for several bottles wine for the table, appropriate amount of appetizer platters for all and their drinks and dinner they are responsible for. my mother is appalled, said we cant do the its tacky. it is the way things are. other than a wedding i expect yo pay for myself. most people do.

        • October 17, 2021

          Reader of internets

          Yes, it does reflect class and not everyone is of the same class. Some people are working class. I don’t think someone should have to feel guilty for wanting to celebrate important events in their lives if they are of a lower class, you know? 🤷‍♀️
          If someone wants that in leu of gifts I don’t see an issue in them enjoying a moment worth celebrating that aligns with their budget?
          I don’t know if it’s so much tacky as it is non-traditional maybe ?
          I don’t know though.

          reply
        • November 20, 2021

          Moriah Holmes

          Is it bad manners if a guest does not purchase a gift for the bride and groom, because they do not have the financial means? I do not believe so! Likewise, there are couples that live on a tight budget, and they cannot afford to get into debt. Therefore, it is NOT rude to request your guests to pay for their own plate/drinks. Real friends and loving family will understand and will not mind.

          reply
        • April 22, 2022

          Katherine Baker

          Not everyone can afford to pay for all guests, it’s inappropriate to assume otherwise. I would much rather have the people I care about with me on the day of the event than not invite them due to cost.

          reply
        • September 21, 2022

          RosieB

          That depends on the circles you run in. In a more economically established or affluent environment, you do not expect to pay for your own meal. For a struggling young couple it is acceptable. You sound a little judge.

          reply
        • October 14, 2022

          Donna Southwick

          I guess this is the difference between guest and “guest“. If I am inviting people out casually to join us while celebrating a birthday, phrasing the invite so that our friends know that this will essentially be going Dutch, is in no way rude or in poor form. We may very much want their company and also not be in a position to pay for dinner for 20 people. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Shaming people for not paying for everyone is the height of classism and you should be ashamed of yourself. It does not reflect the class or the refinement of the host, it reflects the balance of their checkbook and nothing more. Clearly someone can have money and no class, your answer proves that.

          reply
        • March 19, 2023

          S Brown

          I am with you, but I am also trying not to be judgemental. My brother’s boyfriend sent out an invitation and the day of the dinner, he selected those meals he would pay. Ironically, I was not apart of the group. Although, my brother and I spend time together often we alternate between the two of us and I have paid for the boyfriend’s meal numerous of times. I guess I am old school, if I invite my girlfriend’s friends out for her birthday: I will pay.

          reply
        • May 17, 2023

          Maree long

          You mean like a funeral where a carer of a loved one has gone broke caring because they received no help from family? No it’s rude to expect a free meal

          reply
        • June 23, 2023

          Allison

          Wow. I am really sorry to read this. I am hosting a 50th wedding anniversary for my in-laws. I am planning it because I am a planner (their own kids are not) and I know they will appreciate the gesture. But I am afraid I can’t spend $6000 of my own money to feed 50 of their family members and friends. The gift from me is the thought, planning, and effort to get people together.

          reply
        • September 3, 2023

          Nikki Friend

          Ma’am not everyone can afford to set up an event and pay for everyone’s meals. And clearly you wouldn’t be invited to such event.

          reply
        • December 29, 2023

          Emily

          Or maybe you’re just older and your information is out dated..??

          Because 30 years ago, inviting 10 friends to lunch would probably have cost my mom under $100.
          Nowadays, I invite five kids and the bill is $300.. the world is evolving, as should you. I like to assume people are doing their best.
          Be compassionate, be transparent. Be kind.

          reply
        • January 11, 2024

          Mia

          The height of rudeness and bad manners is your very comment. You sound like someone out of touch with reality for a large percentage of American’s. Your uppity, snobby, determination that you can judge anyone’s “class” or “refinement” relative to their willingness to pay for others meals is ridiculous! . Clearly, you must not be a part of the everyday, working middle class, who respects my own ability to pay for my own meal, and others to pay for their own meal as well. The pleasure of a persons company should not cost anyone at all, so yes, pay for your own meal.

          reply
      • November 7, 2022

        Nicole

        That’s so true. we got invited out to dinner for a daughter in law and during the middle of the horrible meal the Son came around and told them all it was separate checks. tacky? you bet it was never would have gone to that restaurant on our own. I did not take any money or card with me terribly embarrassing.

        reply
      • December 29, 2023

        Emily

        I like that idea a lot!

        reply
  • August 5, 2008

    Modern Living Hawaii

    First, I would like to note that most restaurants will be happy to create a custom menu for this many people – that means that you can set a price for a few different options of appetizers and entrees and everyone will know upfront what they will be paying. The invite can be worded as such; “You are invited to attend a special dinner to celebrate (name of mom)’s retirement! We would ask that each guest take care of their individual meal and we will provide a special dinner menu for the night and dessert.” It is always nice to offer people something when asking for something in return :). Hope that helps!

    reply
    • January 8, 2017

      Jenny

      Thanks, I found your input helpful

      reply
    • March 14, 2017

      Charlene

      Thanks so much for this info. I’ve been wondering for a while now how to word this for the invitation. We’re going to a 5-star restaurant and there’s no way we could pay for everyone’s meal this time. We’ve created a menu which is much much cheaper than just ordering from the menu and paying your own ticket. I’m also giving the link to the restaurant so they can see this for themselves. Thanks again for this very helpful post.

      reply
      • October 14, 2022

        Donna Southwick

        Nice job!

        reply
    • August 2, 2017

      Charnise T Bonds

      Beautifully said and helped out a great deal thank you

      reply
      • September 21, 2022

        Cynthia Turner

        Interesting reading. in planning for events one of the first items is budget. I believe the philosophy is family/work based. If this is a new work tradition hopefully goes well. Family tradition dictates other social events. It would be tacky to even consider talking finance in front of people in our family.

        reply
    • March 6, 2018

      BJ Martin

      I believe this situation should be looked at in two ways: in-town guests and out-of-town guests. If a person lives locally, it shouldn’t be a big deal to attend an celebration party and pay for your meal, as it’s not really any different from going out to a restaurant on any other night and eating a meal with friends. However (and this is a big however), a lot of people are responding as though people who get invites for out-of-town events should have no problem paying for their own restaurant/event expenses in addition to travel costs. I totally disagree. When you are an out-of-town guest and have to pay for rental cars, hotels, pet boarding, airline tickets, and more, just to attend a party for someone, you should not be expected to pay for your own meal/drinks. I believe that is inconsiderate on the part of the host. They expect you to cough up all this money to get to there, and then even more money to celebrate with them. If you are organizing an event that you can’t afford to cover, then keep it low-key and only ‘formally’ invite local guests. Then, personally contact the out-of-town guests and mention that you are having this celebration and that people are paying for themselves. Let them know you don’t expect them to attend since there’s travel and restaurant costs involved. Trust me, the people who really want to go and don’t mind paying to get there and paying once they arrive will let you know. But, the people who don’t want to incur all those costs will likely just say, “oh, I’ll send a card” or something along those lines. This way, you come off as a considerate host either way without putting expectations on others.

      reply
      • June 4, 2018

        Rose Smith

        Thank you that is how I feel. My cousin who lives in England is having a 100 Birthday party for her mom, my aunt. I live in Florida, I have to get a hotel, taxi etc and then pay $60 for my meal at the event. I responded no to the invite. Now your post makes me feel better.Thank. Rose

        reply
      • March 19, 2023

        S Brown

        I agree! I recall visiting my then partner’s friend and I paid for everything including groceries. However, when the same friend and girlfriend visited me, I showed them , “southern hospitality,” in the Midwest. I covered everything and I hope the friend learned what true hosting looks like.

        reply
    • June 20, 2019

      Maggie

      Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment, I was getting so stressed and now I have the tools to get it sorted!!!

      reply
    • August 29, 2019

      L.D

      My sister & brother and I did this for Mom’s 70th birthday, we paid for everyone’s meal but didn’t want people to order the prime rib and lobster meals, so we chose several options for guests to choose from and made our own menu, the restaurant thought it was a great idea!

      reply
      • November 3, 2020

        Malibu

        I am doing the same, but how do you state: drinks and food not on this menu are not covered by me?

        reply
        • April 12, 2021

          Crystal Jones

          By stating in your invite that it is a “no-host dinner” AND telling them that for your event there is a “pre-fixe” menu. Make sure you communicate with the restaurant so that their wait staff is briefed on and knows that anyone in your party ordering OUTSIDE your “pre-fixe” menu is not allowed and that they communicate this when guests order.

          Another option is to create a pre-fixe menu and have guests choose their options ahead of the event and communicate that to the restaurant.

          I’ve done BOTH of these things and communication with the restaurant is the KEY to a successful no-stress event.

          reply
      • October 14, 2022

        Donna Southwick

        👍🏻

        reply
    • September 3, 2019

      Rachel

      This is literally the perfect answer, thank you for having an actual answer instead of this entire article which answered nothing.

      reply
    • April 13, 2021

      Michelle m. Richardson

      Very nice, love this option. We provided a welcome drink and Dessert.

      reply
  • August 5, 2008

    addy

    Hmmm. I think I’d write something like “Please join us in an intimate (or private or small or simple) celebration for ________ as she retires from ______ and begins the next chapter of her life!” Is that too cheesy?

    reply
  • August 5, 2008

    Meghann

    One way to slyly do this is after the address section of the invitation wording write “for menu and pricing information, please visit” and then include the restaurant’s website. End the invitation with either your RSVP or “Hope you can join us.”

    reply
    • September 14, 2017

      Milly

      Ohhh good idea!!

      reply
    • May 16, 2021

      Tasha

      Awesome idea. Thank you.

      reply
  • August 6, 2008

    Carolyn

    You should indicate “No Host Dinner” on the invitation. Since you really are hosting the celebration, you may wish to consider providing the cake or dessert with beverage (coffee and tea)at the end of the meal. This will make the pay-your-own-way meal more socially proper, especially if guests will be bringing gifts as well.

    reply
    • March 26, 2017

      Lynne

      A great help! Thank you for posting!

      reply
  • June 11, 2016

    Lynn

    My brother just got married and because it was immediate family only, we want to have a wedding celebration to congratulate them with a lunch. We are having it at at restaurant in a reserved room and will be providing cake but we aren’t paying for their meals. I really don’t want to say on the invitation that they have to pay for their own meal so I thought about putting cake would be provided. Any suggestions?

    reply
    • July 15, 2021

      LMS

      sounds perfect! Sometimes you have to be direct and concise.

      reply
  • June 29, 2016

    Youcancallmecheapo

    I think this is the tackiest thing I’ve ever heard. Why bother to have a party if you can’t afford to pay for your guests dinner? We were just invited to an anniversary party 300 miles from home. I was invited by a formal invitation. ‘Open house’ is 2-4. Dinner is at 5 and you are expected to pay $30 a person and a cash bar. So that is $60, plus a hotel, plus a gift, plus gas to get there. No thanks.

    reply
    • July 28, 2016

      BF1011

      I don’t think it’s tacky at all to asks guests to pay for their own meal at a restaurant, you’re not throwing the party for them! Some people can’t afford to pay for an entire dinner party’s bill, (and guests shouldn’t expect such a gesture), provide cake AND be the one organizing the entire get together. Invitations are just a nicer way to get people together rather than sending an evite. I don’t think many people invited to a dinner at a restaurant would expect someone else to pay for their meal especially when they are all there to celebrate someone or something besides themselves. Most people will gladly oblige but it is polite to inform them of the details and at least provide dessert as a thank you for attending.

      reply
      • March 26, 2017

        Lynne

        Perfectly said!

        reply
        • August 11, 2019

          Susan

          I agree Lynne. The celebration is for the person and expenses will incur on your behalf should you accept the invite. It’s an inexpensive way to have family and friends with you without breaking the bank.

          reply
        • February 23, 2020

          MeChelleReGene

          Thank you all for sharing. What we decided to do is this:

          You are invited to stop by for brunch and or dinner.

          Please stop by even if you can’t stay. We’d love to see you so we can all wish The Birthday Boy happy 35th birthday 🎈 🎂

          No Host events
          Dessert Favors will be provided 💕

          Menu options and pricing can be found on each restaurant’s website.

          reply
      • April 10, 2017

        Kelly

        But a wedding is entirely different. This is incredibly tacky, because most people send or bring gifts to celebrate. On top of this, they’re expected to pay for their meal?! Wedding etiquette has always been very clearcut with this. You have to provide a “reception” of sorts and this includes food and drink appropriate for time of day.

        reply
      • April 22, 2017

        Amanda

        I totally agree with you. I have the same situation coming up in a month. Found out that my family said they were going to have a shower for my brother’s fiance but found out that they weren’t doing it so I took matters into my own hand because they told her that they were having one for her. I don’t have that type of money to pay for everyone but I know that she deserves a shower. It is all about her. I figure that if guests have a problem with it then they can just stay at home.

        reply
        • September 25, 2017

          Monitor B

          Exactry how I feel. If this is someone you care about, money would not prevent you from attending their shower, party, wedding…whatever. People sat oh just do something in your budget. But they will be the same people who will say…this was the worst event ever. You can’t please everyone. Fact is everyone does not bring gifts.

          reply
        • January 16, 2019

          Lexi

          Dealing with the same thing. my cousin is getting married. She has nine girls in her bridal party but she asks me to host it. I don’t even live in the same city. I live three hours away. I’m not part of the bridal party, there wasn’t any expectation that I would be, but she plans on inviting 30 people. When calling around at the restaurants the best pricing I’m seeing is $20 per person. I have three kids, we just had Christmas and this is happening in March. Frankly, as much as I love her, I really wish I wouldn’t have been put on the spot. $20 bucks a person isn’t bad… if you want bottomless mimosas i believe it’s $25. I don’t mind bringing the cake, decor and games but I really need help with wording for the evite.

          reply
          • January 29, 2020

            Ms. Mercedes

            OMS Lexi! Thats very presumptuous on her part that you would do that without consulting you and just assuming. I would just tell her out front “due to expenses incurred recently I unfortunately would be unable to host her party but I would be able to provide dessert. (We’re teetotalers I would add & nonalcholic beverages. )

          • February 23, 2020

            MeChelleReGene

            I feel for you! Instead of dinner do appetizers… small plates. Work with the restaurant to make it affordable for you. You can provide a punch… otherwise …. Let them get their own beverages – No Host Bar

      • June 23, 2017

        Angie J

        I think whether or not it’s tacky depends entirely on the purpose of the event. Weddings, receptions, events like that the host should pay for … otherwise, do not have it. Or just do desserts and champagne at someone’s home to keep the costs down. Retirement parties, casual b’day parties for Adult friends (not kids) – you can def. ask pp to pay their own way. I would however, never expect someone to travel out of town, stay in a hotel and then tell them to pay their own way. Overall, if you can’t afford to do something, don’t do it or keep it small and intimate.

        reply
        • April 12, 2021

          Crystal Jones

          If one can afford to travel to an out of town event but cannot afford to pay for said event, then they should stay home..

          reply
      • April 16, 2018

        Sharon

        I work at a large high school district and we ALWAYS have retirement gatherings where the host/hostess sets it all up, and figures out the cost per person. We send out the invite saying “The cost is $xx and it covers a gift.”

        reply
        • June 27, 2023

          Elizabeth

          Sharon, I’m in the same situation. How do you handle collecting the money?

          reply
      • July 4, 2021

        Laura

        Thank you for a great answer!!!!!!

        reply
      • October 14, 2022

        Donna Southwick

        Well said!

        reply
    • August 8, 2016

      Sandy Smith

      Great ideas! Thanks!

      reply
    • August 14, 2016

      Savan

      Then don’t attend.

      reply
    • October 27, 2016

      Heather

      I agree with you! Super cheap and tacky. They want people to travel, buy their own meal AND give a gift. Ridiculous!!

      reply
    • November 9, 2016

      Kristen

      Then don’t go and don’t be so non sympathetic about people who can’t afford to pay for everyone’s meal. You just complained about how expensive the meal was but then you expect them to pay for everything for you. Did you think that perhaps it isn’t about you? The only way we can even have a reception after our wedding is to ask people to pay for their individual meals otherwise even with just 40 people between dinner and drinks we could rack up a huge bill. It was important to us to spend time with family after and it really isn’t too much to ask. I understand it is an expense to travel from out of town for something but really I guess it boils down to if you care enough about the people to make that investment. We picked a place that had a private room and was very reasonable on pricing so I don’t feel bad at all and I don’t think I am tacky….they are family and close friends so whatever!

      reply
      • December 26, 2017

        Vicky Hall

        Exactly!! I agree with Kristen! Don’t go if you can’t afford it or just being greedy. You are supposed to be celebrating the person, not yourself. STAY HOME THEN..

        reply
        • July 4, 2021

          Laura

          GREAT ANSWER!!!!!!!

          reply
      • April 12, 2021

        Crystal Jones

        You’re not tacky at all. People crack me up.. If you can afford to come to an event, but can’t afford the cost of the event, then STAY HOME.. Everyone’s budget is different and the IMPORTANT part is being with family and friends. People seem to forget that in their zeal to shame people about not paying for their meal..

        What IS tacky is what I witnessed first hand when a bride and groom failed to communicate to their guests that they were having a no-host cake & champagne lunch reception until THE DAY OF THE RECEPTION. I told the bride REPEATEDLY before the wedding that she needed to disclose to her guests that it was a no-host lunch, but she refused to do so calling it “tacky”. She and her groom figured their guests would “figure it out”. Well guess what.. they didn’t.. When guests arrived at the restaurant with a FULL expectation that the bride and groom were covering lunch, it finally occurred to the bride that her guests were expecting the bride and groom to pay for lunch. So at the reception the bride frantically sought me out to ask me to “discreetly” go to each table and inform her guests that the bride and groom would not be paying for lunch.

        Now THAT was tacky..

        For the record, I told the bride she had lost her mind if she thought I was going to align myself with her FAILURE to inform her guests ahead of time. I was NOT going to participate in this tacky endeavor that could have been avoided had she informed her guests ahead of the wedding. I ordered two dirty martinis, and took my butt out to the patio to have a smoke while I waited for her to get some other willing sucker to inform her guests.

        reply
        • October 14, 2022

          Donna Southwick

          😂😂😂

          reply
      • April 24, 2021

        Jessica

        That’s what we are doing in a few weeks time! I’m yet to send out invites. How did you word your invites? Thanks!!

        reply
    • November 13, 2016

      Landi

      Just don’t go… as obviously it doesn’t mean that much to you to celebrate their special occasion with them. It’s not tacky at all. Just because they can’t afford to pay something like $45 pp doesn’t mean they are not allowed to have a special celebration.

      reply
      • March 3, 2017

        Denice

        Agree! I’ve always thought that if they care enough or love you enough they will understand and would be fine with paying for their own meal and join the celebrating! Providing the meal also limits your list, this way no one is left out.

        reply
      • October 14, 2022

        Donna Southwick

        👍🏻

        reply
    • March 11, 2017

      K8

      The reason to have a party is to celebrate the person or event, not to show off that you have enough money to feed a crowd. If you care enough about the person or event to celebrate them, you will do so in a way that is feasible to you.

      reply
    • March 20, 2017

      Amber

      Perhaps the reason for the party is to celebrate an occasion and enjoy each other’s company? I’m offended that you think this idea is tacky. I’m a stay at home mom with a home too small for entertaining. You are suggesting I don’t invite beloved family to celebrate my daughters baptism because I can’t afford to make it worth their while? Shame on you.

      reply
      • October 18, 2021

        J

        If you are inviting people to a baptism and expect all of them to pay their way at a restaurant, it should be clear to all that they should not also bring a gift. Their gift is their presence.

        reply
      • October 14, 2022

        Donna Southwick

        Exactly.

        reply
    • April 21, 2017

      dancesonhertoes

      I just found this article because I’m looking for wording for an event as well. It’s for a girl’s brunch before my wedding. I can’t possibly wait until 6pm to eat, and I’d like to find a way to spend more time with family and friends who came from out of town. We are already providing a lavish meal plus open bar for the wedding. I can’t afford to also buy brunch, nor am I going to cook and host in my house hours before my wedding. People can choose not to come if they don’t want to pay for their meal without offending me. Before you judge people for wanting guests to pay for themselves for something, you should know all circumstances.

      reply
    • May 8, 2017

      Stephanie

      Then don’t go it’s that simple.

      reply
    • May 9, 2017

      Angie

      It is not tacky, not everyone has the luxury of paying for everyone at a restaurant dinner and it if it is going to be an intimate party with close friends and family that should not be a problem to people who really care and want to celebrate the person. If it were a large wedding celebration or a larger party for that matter then I would understand it being a little out of the ordinary asking people to pay for their own stuff even after traveling like you did. From my experience from the most part people are happy even if you just show up even without a gift.

      reply
    • June 1, 2017

      Jenn

      Wow – I think this is the Tackiest response I’ve EVER seen! The purpose is NOT to entertain the guest’s at your own wedding – instead they should be there to share and spend time with the bride and groom! So paying for a meal or drink shouldn’t matter!! Those who only attend because there is food and drink provided obviously don’t truly care about the couple and therefore don’t need to be a part of the special day!

      reply
      • July 8, 2017

        Lea Hayes

        It would not matter to me if someone I cared about. Ironically, I’m planning something similar and a dear friend mentioned having attended a party and that she and 2 other guests were shocked when presented with their bill. My response was that unless it’s a catered or company event, I would not have expected someone else to pay for my meal/drink. Her response was that since she was INVITED, she expected it. So with that said, my event is next Saturday and it will be a No-Host celebration. I do NOT expect gifts and I do expect the guests will be fine with picking up their own tab. I certainly would be okay with it.

        reply
    • June 9, 2017

      Jill

      Wow, did you bother considering the circumstances surrounding the structure of the party? Honestly, your winning personality will most likely not be missed.

      reply
      • October 14, 2022

        Donna Southwick

        😂😂😂

        reply
    • July 8, 2017

      Lea Hayes

      If I could afford it and they meant a lot to me I would make it happen. I believe in making good memories. I’d certainly do it for family or close friend.

      reply
    • May 24, 2018

      Valerie Taylor

      My daughter is graduating high school. I just went through a tough divorce with her dad and funds are limited… Should my daughter not have anything because I can’t afford to pay everyone’s meal??

      reply
    • September 16, 2018

      Shirley Peterson

      Why Not? If you love your brother and his birthday wish is for this then why not? If you can’t afford it then just don’t go.

      reply
    • November 2, 2018

      Proper Etiquitte

      100% agree. It’s very selfish to invite people to a party and make them pay…. especially if it’s at an expensive restaurant. When you throw a party, it’s not about you, it’s about hosting your guests and having them celebrate with you. If you feel uncomfortable about writing the invitation, how do you think they’ll feel reading it? Why should they spend their money to make your party for you? If you still want to do it, then be honest and not hide behind words like “no host”… that is definitely not clear on who is paying, and if you are inviting your friends, then why are you being “sly” about it? You’re not much of a friend.

      reply
      • April 12, 2021

        Crystal Jones

        and you’re not being much of a friend either to decide that a friendship is based on paying for a meal..

        reply
        • October 18, 2021

          J

          Sometimes people can afford their own meals but either can’t or don’t prefer to pay for everyone else’s meal and drink. Going to an event and splitting the tab can be extremely pricy especially when some people order lots of drinks or lots of food, apps and dessert. It should be clearly stated what everyone’s obligation would be beforehand.

          reply
        • October 14, 2022

          Donna Southwick

          Perfect response ❣️

          reply
    • April 1, 2021

      KMS

      No judgement, but you can stay home. If I am invited to a party at a restaurant, I assume that I am paying for my meal. However, if you are not extended an invitation, would you be insulated?

      reply
    • September 12, 2021

      Brenda Anliker

      YOUCANCALLMECHEAPO –
      the way your host arranged that anniversary party was tacky. That doesn’t mean organizing a no host dinner/event is automatically tacky. no host events are usually smaller, local guests only, stipulate “no gifts”, provide a cake/dessert.

      reply
    • October 21, 2022

      Leslie

      Not to be rude, but maybe this person just ‘doesn’t hold that much value in your life. If they don’t, that is OK. Just because they value you enough to invite you to THEIR celebration does not mean you value them enough to make the sacrifices required to attend.

      reply
  • August 3, 2016

    Chao Ng

    So I got an invitation to a bỉthday party and the host indicates we should bring cash to be able to pay for our dinner. However, in our tradition, we always buy presents for the bday person (always $100+) because we are adults and it is just nice to buy them good presents. However, we each are paying $60/person at an average restaurant that does not cost $60 per person at all. Would it be ok if we dont bring present at all? I mean they are hosting a 10 people per table total 5 tables. They make $600 for just one table and it is all cheap foods. Not even sea food or wine or liquor. Yet we are putting in $60 in an envelope so that the person could pay for the dinner.
    Suggestion?

    reply
    • August 30, 2016

      Verna

      There very well may be a number of other behind the scene overhead expenses that is being covered. They may have tallied all the expenses for the party and simply placed an amount per person to cover all. As another respondent indicated, you have the choice to participate or not to participate.

      reply
      • August 30, 2016

        Verna

        For example, one of those behind the scene expenses could very well be Rental cost of the Private room, if that is the case.

        reply
    • March 20, 2017

      Amber

      Just get them a nice card- they will appreciate the gesture.

      reply
    • April 9, 2019

      Ms. B

      “Please, no gifts. Your presence is present enough”

      reply
    • April 1, 2021

      KMS

      I think it is fine to skip presents.

      reply
  • August 14, 2016

    Savan

    Then don’t attend.

    reply
  • August 25, 2016

    What???

    When did it become appropriate for someone to host an anniversary, retirement, or birthday party for their spouse, parent, or kid at a restaurant and expect guest to pay for their own meal and bring a gift? Yes, it’s costly to host a party at a restaurant, but if you cannot afford it, then do something else within your budget. Why are guest expected to pay to attend your party? This scenario has happened to me three times within the past 45 days. My husband and teenagers were invited to these gatherings at a restaurant the host selected, so I have no say in this aspect of the dining activity, and then I have to shell out over $100.00 for my family to attend your party… And of course I have to bring a lovely gift as well. So, in a six week time period, I’ve had to shell out over $300.00 to celebrate one friends kids bdy and his wifes bdy and another friends party. Top it off, the cake they bought to both birthday parties was a small single layer grocery store cake. How cheap can you get? Next time i have a party, I’m going to do my usual; shopping, cooking, cleaning, decorating, and preparing for the party in our home. I will figure my cost, divide by the number of guest and charge everyone for the dinner. I mean, that’s acceptable, right????? Oh, and should I add a per hour fee for my services? I’m thinking about $30.00 per hour. What do you think?

    reply
    • September 23, 2016

      Kristy

      Don’t go out to any parties then.

      reply
    • October 2, 2016

      M

      I don’t think you had to shell out anything. If you didn’t feel like paying your family’s way was appropriate, you could have opted to send a gift or not attend at all. I think one reason people ask guests to pay is sometimes to limit the number of attendees.

      reply
    • November 13, 2016

      Landi

      Just don’t go then. Simple! I’m sure if they knew about this comment all those “friends” of yours will regret inviting you anyway. Just be grateful you have loved ones to celebrate with… and that you got to eat and have fun with close friends! You should hope that one day people would care enough and be willing to pay for their own meal to celebrate your special occasion with you!

      reply
      • December 10, 2016

        LC

        My husband and I actually opt out maybe 50% of the time. Some of our younger, single friends will put together celebrations at restaurants that we can’t afford or have so many guests we don’t get to have enjoyable conversations with the celebrant or good friends.
        So we just decline the invitation.
        When I was in college and in my early twenties, I did host some “let’s all take so-and-so out for his birthday” celebrations. But since my late 20s or so, I’ve put a lot of effort into hosting the kinds of celebrations where people don’t have to pay their own way (treating with Groupons, picnic in the park, hosting at my home, hosting at someone else’s home, potlucks, going on a hike, choosing an inexpensive restaurant, finding a cool venue and serving appetizers and drinks only, teaming up with a couple of other hosts and sharing the cost).

        reply
      • July 8, 2017

        Lea Hayes

        Absolutely ! It’s about sharing & caring & celebrating together. Like someone else said, you can opt out. Your choice!

        reply
    • February 2, 2017

      You have a choice in this situation

      Perhaps some people don’t have homes to have parties in? Perhaps due to medical issues, employment issues, birth/death of family has caused people to be in a less than perfect situation financially. If you are one of the lucky people to receive an invite that asks you to pay for something, consider that they thought of you, and wanted you there. If you don’t care so much about them, then don’t go. Send a card with some cash or a giftcard. You are in control of your own choices in this situation.

      reply
      • January 16, 2019

        Helen

        That’s my situation, exactly! It’s my mum’s 80th next month. I have chronic illness, am on disability, and we don’t have a home large enough or nice enough to have many people visit. There no way I can pay for all her friends meals!

        She doesn’t want gifts, and we’ll choose somewhere with reasonably priced meals. I’ll be providing, in fact, making it myself, a beautiful cake.

        I’m sure our friends will understand our circumstances.

        I’ll be using a similar wording to that suggested here. For someone to suggest I’m “tacky” for doing so, suggests that if you’re poor, you don’t deserve to have any celebrations.

        I have a small group of friends who always celebrate each other’s birthdays by going to lunch, and chipping in for the birthday girl’s meal. It works well. It’s slightly different, as it’s a mutually agreed upon arrangement, but it works, and none of us complain! Oh, we also buy a gift for the birthday girl. It’s the spending time together that we love so much, and helping the birthday girl to feel special on her special day!

        It must be nice to look down your nose at those who are not as well off as you. I’d love to be well enough to return to my career, and wouldn’t hesitate to pay for everyone if I had the means to do so.

        reply
        • September 12, 2021

          Brenda Anliker

          Helen – exactly!!!!! Nothing tacky about this arrangement. Communication is key especially for any new people being invited to avoid anything awkward. But I’ve done all kinds of parties – hosted & non hosted restaurant parties, potluck in my home, catered at a location or at home, done all the cooking and cocktails in my home, BYOB cocktail parties where I provide mixers and garnishes and bar snacks
          Everyone always had fun. The key is up front direct communication

          reply
    • October 13, 2017

      Cherrin

      You were raised the same way I was. Guess now days with everyone working the whole idea of inviting people out to dinner means let’s just meet up and eat together. An “invitation” no longer has the same thing it did 20+ years ago.

      Just received a invitation to an engagement party. Half of my family won’t be able to attend due to financial restrictions but the bride doesn’t care. And most likely will be unable to attend the destination wedding. I am surprised the bride and groom hasn’t created a go fund me page to pay for their honeymoon to Hawaii.

      reply
    • July 4, 2018

      gigi

      You are right on mark!!!! I too, always taught if you throw a party, you pay. If you can’t afford an expensive restaurant, then have a simple at home celebration with pot luck. Asking people to pay for their own meals at a restaurant they have been invited to is tacky. The only way I see differently is if a large group of people want to celebrate something knowing there is no specific host like earlier in the posts otherwise, it’s on the planner.

      reply
      • August 14, 2018

        Lauren

        How is pot luck any less tacky than asking people to pay for a meal. I’m throwing a no-host party for my mum’s 60th, my husband and I don’t have the funds to pay for people or the space at my house to host. People who don’t want to pay simply won’t be coming. I am providing a cake and favours for guest to take home.
        People are so uppity these days and have the whole ‘back in my day we did things better’ attitude, this doesn’t do anyone any favours and totally lacks empathy and screams privilege, aka, I can, so why can’t you!!

        reply
        • April 1, 2021

          KMS

          I agree with you. If I am invited to a party at a restaurant I expect to pay for my meal. In my circle it’s about the celebration of a person and enjoying ourselves. If I cannot afford it, I politely decline.

          reply
          • October 18, 2021

            J

            What do you do if you are invited to a birthday party celebration at a moderately priced restaurant with a few other couples. You and hubby don’t drink and the others drink excessively. How do you handle the tab then? It is one thing to pay for your own meal and bring a gift but to pay for others excessive drinking and extra apps and dessert when you didn’t order it yourself, I feel is uncomfortable. Thoughts anyone??

      • September 12, 2021

        Brenda Anliker

        Gigi, hence the “no host” designation on the invitation (most likely a text or email since these types of gatherings are usually small, causal, with local guests).
        Our son is leaving for college so we’re taking him to his favorite restaurant for dinner. We have a large local family so I texted everyone to see who could join us. And to Let us know so I can reserve a large area for everyone. Nobody expects me to pay for 18 dinners. But I always stipulate “no gifts”

        reply
  • October 17, 2016

    Tori

    I am helping with a wedding and while the bride and groom are not asking for or expecting gifts some people are getting them. They are having their reception at a restaurant and they are asking their guest to pay for their own meals, but the bride is unsure as to how to let the guest know that there is going to be a restricted menu (the restaurant asked)
    What is a suggestion i could give her??

    reply
    • October 17, 2016

      Hi Tori! Are you asking how the bride should ask for people to pay for their own meals or are you asking how the bride should let people know there is a restricted menu?

      reply
  • December 6, 2016

    Beth

    I am in this situation right now…hosting a baby shower for a friend who lives 45 minutes away and her friends live there as well…it only made sense to do the shower at a local restaurant convenient to them..but I can not afford to pay for 20 dinner plus mine and the guest of honor. I didn’t consider this an issue when doing the invitations and am now trying to figure out how to let people know dinner will be their responsibility, without sounding tacky..

    reply
    • September 8, 2019

      Mera

      Same situation! Advice needed! How did you need up wording the invitation?

      reply
  • January 5, 2017

    Delores Barkers

    It doesn’t matter if I have to pay it’s just the fun of being with my friends. If u can’t afford it at that time just decline and stay home maybe u can go the next time .

    reply
  • January 8, 2017

    DiAnna Dukes

    I want to surprise my husband with a 60th birthday party. He hasn’t seen some of his family in several years. I have already reserved (and paid for) the private room. I have made arrangements for dessert. The restaurant provided 4 dinner options (all inclusive). I have placed a line on the invitation giving potential attendees a “no meal” option. That gives them the opportunity to celebrate an important event and still have no out-of-pocket expenses.

    reply
  • January 12, 2017

    Victoria

    Our aunt is turning 80. She doesn’t have children of her own. I want to throw her a party, but I would like my other cousins to chip in or at least pay for their own meals.
    I will supply the cake and coffee, how do I ask on the invites??

    reply
  • January 17, 2017

    Karolina

    I used to think I was being impolite if my wedding was a No-host dinner. And I did everything I could to cut off silly costs and maybe we could afford a small brunch for family and close friends. But even that, would cost us about $2.000 for 30 people where we live, which is too much right now. We are having a lot of expenses with our new place, furniture, a new car for me (I drive my boss’s car, but I’m moving states so I got leave my job), and the resident process, since I’m a foreigner, which costs around $ 3.000 in 2017. So I feel terribly bad having a No-Host wedding dinner knowing my guests will have to spend some money, but as some people said, if you don’t feel comfortable, just don’t go. You don’t know the struggle in someone’s life. And I think it’s sad, and a frustration I would carry forever leaving this moment as a blank space, because we have other $priorities$ at this moment, and because I was afraid about what other people would think. So I left my prejudice behind and I’m having a No-host dinner for my wedding. Providing coffee and cake. These type of parties are usually intimate, so if you were invited, feel honored, not upset and thinking people are being cheap. I’m sure if this person could, he/she would throw a beautiful party for everyone and pay for everything. If you don’t agree, just don’t go. Be more sympathetic towards others.

    ps:. We are not having a wedding registry. We will let people comfortable to do, and contribute the way they can… and IF they can. Their presence and understanding is already a gift <3

    reply
    • February 13, 2017

      Mrs2b

      That makes me feel better, we are getting married and are planning on asking our guests in lieu of a gift to pay $30 for their meal. We are paying for wine during the meal, wedding cake as dessert and later in the evening coffee , tea will be served with little snacks

      reply
  • January 26, 2017

    M

    Hello – after a vow renewal we are hosting 25 people at a restaurant. We are providing alcoholic and non alcoholic options and enough tappas. It’s from 5-7 and so at a time when some people might be hungrier or want a beer or wine…. Any suggestions on how you would you graciously communicate that if the guests want to order something off the menu (other than what we are offering) – they have to pay for it?

    reply
    • August 29, 2017

      Kimberly

      Let the staff know to inform guests that any additional orders are the responsibility of the individual.

      reply
  • January 26, 2017

    Party Planner

    Nice post on a tough subject. Refreshing opinions. Thank you for posting.

    reply
  • January 31, 2017

    Figuring out 50

    I am so glad to find you folks! I am turning 50 and my husband & adult children didn’t get it together to plan a party. What I would like to do is invite friends, family & coworkers (we work in a college cafeteria and are always cooking for others) to meet up at Punch Bowl Social. It is a a chain restaurant with assorted games, karaoke, bowling and several bars through out the facility. I want to know how to phrase the invite so that it’s clear I expect no gifts, they are paying for themselves and I just want to enjoy the time with them. Any ideas?

    reply
  • February 8, 2017

    a. Khan

    Thanks.
    helpful post.

    reply
  • February 21, 2017

    2Cents

    Some of these replies are hilarious. I’m sure you have friends you make plans with to go out for dinner occasionally. I would suspect you wouldn’t be buying their dinners, you just would like to all get together and enjoy the gathering weather it be a celebration or just friendship. It can be the same thing with a retirement, birthday or two people who are in love getting married. Lets all go out for dinner, smile, laugh, reminisce and talk about the future together. The negativity in these conversations are unfortunate. The No-Host dinner with the restaurant website and price list supplied is a tactful way of dealing with the situation.

    reply
  • March 12, 2017

    Nancy Drew

    Sorry, I disagree. You don’t invite people to a function and then expect them to pay. Have a potluck in the employee’s Lounge if you can’t afford it.SO TACKY

    reply
    • July 30, 2017

      Mark Eagle

      Totally agree, Nancy. Whatever happened to basic generosity, graciousness, and etiquette? We just got invited to a 50th surprise birthday party that is to be celebrated out of town. It will require 155 miles of travel and overnight lodging (as the event is at a restaurant at night). We were told by the arranging spouse it is “dutch treat”. We know darn well the income situation of the couple and that they never had kids or that expense, so they can definitely afford to pick up the tab for say 20 people averaging maybe 20-25 dollars a piece for one special evening. At first, I was offended. I have to ask, is my wife’s and my time and gas and company and spending over $100 for a night of lodging not worth paying $40 for? Sheesh! Tacky, I say.

      reply
      • October 21, 2022

        Leslie

        Again, just because they valued you and your wife enough to ask you to celebrate with them does not mean that you and your wife value them enough to attend.

        reply
    • November 16, 2017

      Barb Youngs

      I agree – why does everyone think they have to go to a restaurant and ask their guests to pay for their own meals. There are inexpensive things you can do to all get together and celebrate the occasion.
      If you can’t afford it, don’t have it!

      reply
  • April 5, 2017

    LA

    Yes, such pay your own way events can wreck your budget. Yet I don’t want to miss out on opportunities to socialize and celebrate with friends and family. What I’ve done is started a celebration savings account. Each month I put $25 into the account. Now when a celebration invitation comes my way I have the funds to participate.

    reply
  • April 28, 2017

    Brandy

    My step-daughter got married at the justice of the peace. NO guests. did not send out invites or anything, just us, and her fiance, at the courthouse. Then they went on a short 3 day honeymoon.. Because of this, they planned a small intimate dinner for immediate family and close friends. on an “announcement card”. and the announcement card stated:
    “We Tied the Knot…______ & ______ exchanged vows on _____, 2017. We are now Mr. & Mrs. _____. Please join us for a celebratory dinner on _____, 2017 at 5:30pm. Restaurant Name, City & State. Please visit the restaurant’s website at _____ for menu and pricing information.”
    Because they did NOT have a traditional wedding, which means they did NOT register or ask for gifts at ALL. I dont think it is tacky at all for those that would receive this invite to be offended. plus the people that were invited were all local. so dinner instead of gifts… NOT bad at all. Just to meet and greet the couple basically.. I dont think it is tacky or wrong.

    reply
    • June 29, 2017

      KAW

      My brother and his wife did the same thing. They got married at the courthouse during the day on a Tuesday. Later that night family and friends gathered in a private room at a restaurant to celebrate the happy couple. Everyone paid for their own meal and there were no words exchanged of it being tacky, or why do we have to pay. We just did it and we had a blast!

      it is the celebration and being with the ones you love that is most important. And I agree with most everyone else – if you don’t like it. Don’t go.

      reply
  • May 24, 2017

    angela

    Where one hosts a party is NOT the issue. Wherever you decide to hold it- your dining room, a 5 star restaurant, a picnic table in the park, a rock in the desert, etc…does not chane the fact- you are hosting a party in “YOUR HOME”- even if home is rented or free space where you do not get to wear your jammies.

    You should treat your guests exactly as if they WERE partying in your home. Would you charge them for food or drink in your home? No. Then don’t do it in your “rented for 4 hours” home. Period.

    Tacky tacky tacky to invite anyone to anything you cannot afford and expect them to pay. If you cannot afford a full on $100 a plate dinner, then have a dinner you can afford. If you can’t afford to pay for your guests, why in the world are you asking them?

    Take the guest of honor out to the % star dinner with one or two others and cover the bill. Then invite the rest of the gang to cake/punch/nibbles at your home or a rented space. I went to a lovely wedding once where the bride and grooms immediate family did a pot lock dinner at the church for the 50 guests. Food was fabulous, no one cared that the decorations were simple and we all had a lovely time. Pretending you’r a Vanderbilt when you’re not is not a recipe for happiness- for you OR your guests.

    reply
    • February 13, 2018

      Jayne

      The question was how to word it. Tacky is being judgmental and not helpful.

      reply
  • June 10, 2017

    Martin Mostyn

    When my stepson graduated from college I invited everyone to a restaurant and said on the invite that it would be Dutch Treat. It would have been nice if his real father or multi-millionare grandfather had paid his check, but dream on.
    P.S. Gramps had originally promised to pay for his college, but the stock market took a hit and he had to back out of that one. And his father had 2 step sons of his own, so he was no help.
    I don’t believe either one gave him a gift or a card. I should be grateful they at least travelled from Florida & Maryland to attend. Sorry for venting. Not!

    reply
  • June 15, 2017

    Laura

    This is a good question. Depending on the event, be formal or casual, how the invite is presented needs to be clear. Choose your words wisely and respectfully state what you want your invitees to know. If you are hosting an event, then you are providing everything. If you are the Host home and the event is planned as a pot-luck then that would be a good way to plan an event where others contribute a little something. If you want to ask friends to join you for dinner because you are treating another friend for their birthday then the invite should state something like “if you are free Saturday night we’d love for you to join us. Hope you don’t mind going Dutch” If you are inviting friends to dinner and but its your treat, let them know that you are treating them when you invite them. The only thing any friend or guest would frown on, is not knowing up front what the expectation is. Getting a bill for a meal that they were not prepared for can be poor taste.

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  • June 17, 2017

    swecha

    Thank you for sharing this great article!

    reply
  • October 14, 2017

    Clay MacTarnaghan

    The real issue is what we’ve come to think we deserve – and what we think others deserve. I would love to go to Hawaii, but I can’t afford it. There area a lot of things I would love to do, but never will, because I can’t afford it. That’s life. And there are things I would love to do for my kids, but can’t afford to. Am I doing it for them, or me? My guilt? My idea of celebration? Is it possible to show love and celebration without a 5 Star restaurant? If my children had a party for me and asked the guests to pay, I would be horrified. It certainly wouldn’t be any honor or blessing to me. It might make them feel good, but not me. Again, who is it really being done for? The best celebrations I ever had were ones where friends came, because they cared. There was nothing formal, fancy, or financially burdensome. It was fun and fellowship with friends. No gifts, either. They’re the ones I remember most, because they were meaningful. In fact, I’ve been to the parties that were so perfectly planned, they were awful for everyone, but the hosts. The activities were run on a tight schedule. The honored one didn’t get to spend time with the guests they so looked to enjoy the celebration with and vice versa. It’s the guests, not the costly stuff that makes it special. Less formality. More relationship. If you can’t afford to pay, don’t. Invite friends to come for an evening of celebration. Tell them to drop by, spend time, no gifts necessary, and celebrate with their friend. Cake and coffee will be served. Period. America, time to make life – and celebrations – simple. If we can’t show love and appreciation without spending ourselves into debt, we are a sick nation.

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    • October 18, 2021

      Mamma

      Love this response!!!

      reply
  • November 17, 2017

    K N

    Rather than a meal, why not spend the same budget on a champagne reception and nibbles, or some coffee and cake?

    Otherwise, don’t send out formal invites.. choose an inexpensive place to eat, and keep the tone informal: “We’re meeting up for a meal out to celebrate Jane retiring on time and date. I hope you can come – let me know so I can book you a place! If you want to club together for a gift, then let me know.

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  • December 5, 2017

    Patchypop

    I am still looking for polite wording to invite guests to my birthday celebration at a restaurant. My problem is my invites were out to have my party at home. Fully catered and payed for by me as I do every year. Then my boyfriends aunt passed away and the funeral will be on the same day my birthday party was scheduled for. So to show respect I cancelled the party but still feel its my birthday and therefore decided on a restaurant celebration the next day but I cannot afford to pay for all guests. How do I word my invite now.

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  • January 16, 2018

    Justice

    Guests paying for their own meals is very common. Having said that, one must be clear guests need to pay. The above examples of stating ‘menu and pricing available at (restaurant website)’ is great. And I would strongly suggest the ‘host’ at least pay for some appetizers​ and of course a cake. A lot of people find that filling. And for the meal work with the restaurant to come up with an set menu and prices specific for your party. This makes it easier for the restaurant staff, so they are not making everything off the menu, and it’s economical for your guests. Most people have no issues with this kind of celebration. Again, be clear so guests can opt out if they are not into it. Anyone who truly wants to be there will be there – this is a good way to learn who truly loves you!!

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  • April 3, 2018

    Judy Murray

    Thanks for sharing all your perspectives on this. To those asking when did we start to have our guests pay for their meals, consider that the rules may have simply been rewritten by the age and culture in which we now live. Let’s be real.

    The only reason I was conflicted about the approach was because I didn’t want to look bad. It would be so much easier to save face and brood about how much I would love to host a celebration for my milestone birthday, calling off the whole thing in the name of etiquette and social acceptance. But the reality is that, due to circumstances it is no longer in my budget I cannot pay for the people with whom I would love to share the time. So I will word my invitation like this:

    Hi [friend’s name],
    It’s a wonderful year!
    Yep, it’s my turn to be 60.
    Would you like to meet me at XYZ Restaurant on [Date]? I will be bringing drink and dessert and the restaurant will be providing a dinner menu from which you can order, if you like (about $50).
    Please let me know if you’ll be able to make it by [Date].

    Please let me know what you think about that. Thanks.

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    • November 4, 2018

      Anissa Jenkins

      This is a great way of wording your invitation and with this being my 50th I will be copying and tailoring it accordingly. Thanks for sharing.

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  • April 9, 2018

    Sheila

    I definitely think that this is a fine idea. I am thinking of doing it for my husbands 70th. However I do think you should put on the invitation that presents are not necessary.

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  • April 24, 2018

    Diane

    Do people do this for weddings?

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  • May 6, 2018

    Pam bailey

    I’m inviting friends to dinner for my husband’s birthday. I have a limit and do not mind dinner entree per person, drink, couple appetizers and cake. I just don’t want to get a bill at the end of the night for tons
    If extra drinks. How do I word my invitation? Can I say:
    – Dinner entree
    – 1 appetizer per couple
    – 1 drink
    – Dessert

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  • August 11, 2018

    Linda B

    Can someone help me word an invitation to let quest know they are being asked to contribute $10.00 per person toward the cost of their meal? The $10 is actually their gift to the honoree.

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  • November 4, 2018

    Nee Nee

    I will be celebrating my 50th bday on 12/21. I’ve been the unfortunate one to have had only one bday party (Sweet 16). Because of the bday falling during one of the biggest financailly stressful times of the year I’ve never had a bday celebration in my adult years. Being honest I feel this beinga very important milestone in my life my friend and family shouldn’t have negative thoughts to say regarding paying out-of-pocket. I’m not even asking for a gift. I’m actually going to ask them to donate can goods or other perishables for the Food Pantry of the community college where I work. I did plan to provide my own cake and will consider the suggestion in one of the comments to cover beverages. Well I’ll cover sweatened/unsweetened tea. I also appreciate the ideas in the wording of the invitation regarding “No Host”

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  • November 5, 2018

    tina mitchell

    Personally, I am an event planner and I think it is very tacky to invite someone to an event and expect them to pay. If you can not afford to host an event the correct way don’t have the event. Even if you say something on the invitation about there is a limit of 15 toward each person’s meal and then you choose two or three different entree’s they are able to choose from. Ask the restaurant to custom you a menu with just those things or you custon=m it yourself and lay one at each space for the guest.

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  • November 5, 2018

    tina mitchell

    Asking for a gift is very tacky. Pam, you can word the invite with 2 drink minimum or give out drink tickets and or make a deal with the place that you are holding the event. A lot of people think that things are in stone. “You have not cause you ask not.”

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  • November 12, 2018

    Amy Diggins

    How do you tactly pay the bill at the end of the Birthday dinner for a No-host party?

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  • January 1, 2019

    Adriana Schlarb

    In my humble opinion, being offended by having to pay for a meal says more about the guest than the host. Special moments like these aren’t about you or I and we shouldn’t be scrutinized so harshly. For the host, it is extremely difficult to be in a position where you want to celebrate with the ones you love, but simply can’t afford to. Does that mean you don’t deserve to be celebrated? I think not. For those who think it tacky, try to have some empathy and joy for the people who thought to invite you! If you can’t attend, be gracious and pop a card in the mail 🙂

    Now, if you’re the host and wondering how to let guests know to pay for themselves, make it clear on the invitation. Including a link to the menu and a price range ( $31-$35) per person is extremely helpful. I would also make sure this arrangement is clearly discussed with restaurant management ahead of time (and the serving staff the day of) to avoid confusion. Voila! No embarrassing conversation to be had.

    Finally, if you are able, then including a small thank you gift is a thoughtful and tasteful gesture for your paying guests. Most of all, I hope you and your guests have a wonderful time !

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  • July 24, 2019

    billy

    hello was looking for some information im having a wedding and i am inviting all major family including aunties and uncles. the only issue is i have 110 guests coming during the day and i have like 60 cousins i was wanting to add a little poem in the cousins invitation asking them if they would like to be there during the day they would have to pay for there own but not in a cheeky way. can anyone help me with this or give me some advice. thank you

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  • August 14, 2019

    Bill G.

    Every situation is different, but when I read “My house is too small”, “I can’t afford it”, etc., I just hear excuses for “I can’t be bothered making any effort. You, on the other hand, can pay for the privilege of celebrating me!” That said, we do participate in pay-your-own-way celebrations. But it is nice to see when the “no-host” hosts show some effort on their part. I think pay-your-own-way celebrations work better when they are organized by someone other than the guest(s) of honor.

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  • September 2, 2019

    Meaghan

    Please don’t do this. You are not doing then a favour by inviting them, they are doing you the honour of showing up. You do not need to have a lavish meal. If you want to invite a lot of people, have an early afternoon ceremony with cake and punch afterwards. It would be lovely and appropriate and you could hold your head up high because you will have been a gracious host. You should only ever have the celebration that you can afford.

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  • September 13, 2019

    Matthew

    We’re planning a wedding for January. It’s a very casual affair and we are just going to the courthouse. We’re only inviting a couple people to come with us. But since a few others would want to feel a part of it, we’re thinking of having a dinner at a local casual restaurant as well. We’d provide a cake for dessert, but want guests to buy their own dinner. We don’t want gifts from anyone. It’s not really a reception, just a get together. No dance, no gifts, etc. If we were having a big wedding, I’d say it’s tacky, but this is about as simple as weddings get.

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  • October 11, 2019

    Tammy Williams

    I have reservations for my Moms 75th birthday party with approximately 40 people and the invites are ready to be mailed. I have the Restaurant booked and have chosen the 3 Menu items for lunch will be. My question is I am needing to send a piece of paper stating no gifts just your presence and I am wondering what is the best thing that I can add so the guests know that they are responsible for their own tab?

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  • January 29, 2020

    Ms. Mercedes

    I totally agree

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  • March 3, 2020

    Peter

    Interesting. At my employer, every thee months one of the managers who I support invites everybody for an after-work “lets have drink to celebrate our new whatever..”. In the past, I have turned down the invites due to scheduling issues, which always raised questions later “Hey Pete, we missed you!, Hope you can attend next time…”. So, I received another one yesterday and this time accepted. After all, he seemed like a fair guy, and there were a lot of co-workers I wanted to meet with as well.
    When I arrived, the Manager hosting the party said to me “Oh, Pete everybody pays their own drinks here….” . That was no problem for me, as I was expecting to pay my own anyway. Not a big deal. (but slightly tacky) Later when I ordered a drink at the bar and pulled out my wallet, another attendee asked me why I was paying. I was told the host was picking up everyone else’s drinks and meal, and politely pushed my hand (and money) away. In the end, the host picked up my tab, but he wasn’t aware of it. My conclusion is the Manger who invited me was incredibly tacky, but I did not let it ruin my evening. I will not be attending another one of his invites again, just because he had singed myself, amongs the group to pay his own way. Again, I don’t mind, but being told this, and finding out later everybody else was paid for told me this man had no respect for me whatsoever. I will not be attending another one. What a jack-wagon.

    For what it’s worth….
    P

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  • May 18, 2021

    Mary-anne

    It costs money and effort to attend any event. Be it a birthday party, wedding or funeral you required to either bring and share food, cover your own drinks, bring a gift or buy a new outfit for the occasion. If you can not afford to cover your own food and drinks you have the option to not attend the event. Don’t let anyone guilt trip you otherwise

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  • May 21, 2021

    Adrienne Yeo

    Simple answer. DO NOT extend formal invites – ie fancy card, stylized note in either email or paper format. No request for RSVP.

    Just text or email to say so and so will be celebrating this event at this place at this time on this date, and would you like to join in ?
    If the venue needs firm numbers, then just explicit say how much it will cost per head and that the venue needs to confirm numbers.
    Or attach a menu highlighting specials, and saying that the venue would like to confirm numbers.

    Yes, it is OK for guest to pay their own way, but they need to be told first !!!! This is only polite so they know to dispense with gifts in that event. It is the height of rudeness and crassness to expect guest to bring gifts, AND be expected to pay their way.

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  • November 5, 2021

    Garland J. Medina

    Really like these new tips, which I haven’t heard of them before. Can’t wait to implement some of these as soon as possible.

    reply
  • December 28, 2021

    Bria Santucci

    Expecting wedding GUESTS to pay for their own dinner is so unbelievably crass and low-class it is unreal. Here is an astonishing concept….YOU HAVE THE WEDDING YOU CAN AFFORD TO HOST! You can’t afford the bar, then you DON’T have to serve alcohol at all, or you can limit the selections to just wine and beer if that is what you can afford. You can’t afford a super-expensive catering hall or location, then you can find an inexpensive location such as a church hall (some churches will rent the hall to non-members), your own home, a friend or relative’s house, or a more inexpensive restaurant, party facility, etc.
    There are a million ways to have an affordable wedding. You don’t have to follow the latest Kardashian wedding trend to post on Instagram to show off to impress everyone if you cannot afford it and decide to “charge” your guests.. Guess what….that isn’t impressive. I still find this so incredibly unbelievable that anyone could think this is remotely appropriate to do. Weddings back in the day were simple, meaningful affairs which the parents or couple could afford. The interesting irony is that more of those weddings have a long-term track record for the couples in lasting than the big, showy, vulgar affairs that so characterize weddings today. Guests are already shelling out for travel, airline tickets, hotels, clothes, time off work, etc. To crassly “sell” tickets to your “event” is just ridiculous. I certainly hope you have some headliner attraction such as a celebrity attending to make the “ticket” worthwhile, because you the self-important, entitled couple are not IT. If I received such an invitation, it would make it very easy to decline the invitation and include a note letting you know that since my dinner is my responsibility, that your wedding gift is YOUR responsibility, and use the $250-$750 gift that I generally give at weddings to have a really fab dinner for my husband and myself at a restaurant of our choosing. And um…..yes, I get it that the wedding gift I generally give is more than the so-called “ticket” price. It is the PRINCIPLE of the thing that matters and charging guests to attend your wedding is just the height of disrespect and insult towards your guests.
    Btw, I am not speaking of a situation where a couple may not have much money, and family and friends get together themselves to put together a wedding for the couple. I have gladly participated in several weddings like this contributing food, bottles of wine, etc. In addition, I do come from an Italian-American background where the borsa (bridal money pouch) is a cultural tradition. The significant DIFFERENCE however is that this is an unspoken voluntary custom, not a printed card obligating guests that if they wish to attend, that they need to buy a ticket or pay for a plate as though they are attending a political fundraiser.

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    • October 21, 2022

      Leslie

      Why are you so angry though? Again, if you don’t value the couple – don’t attend. If you value them, give them the gift of paying for your own dinner and a less valuable gift since you’re giving gifts that value as much as $750. While affordability may be the biggest motivator in why you were asked to pay for the food that you are going to eat, when you consider the “no-show meals” that would be paid for, or the “wasted meals” that would be paid for, or the “picked over” meals that would be paid for, you may realize the newly wed couple, who will certainly have greater expenses coming their way may have decided the costs of the meals that would be paid for and not eaten was too expensive. Why would we ask a newly wed couple to be okay with throwing needed money in the trash when we could just support their economic sensibility and value them enough to wish them well, celebrate with them, give them a gift, AND PAY FOR THE MEAL THAT WE ARE GOING TO CONSUME (in whatever fashion that is for us) if it’s about the couple’s celebration and not our own issues????

      reply

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